Book Project Update #2.5 (The non-update)

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Not mine, but love XKCD

Working Title: Dave’s Hammer.

Current Word Count: Nothing new. I’m sick!

Goal for next Monday: Complete overview of plot treads and 2000 new words.

So the fact is; I haven’t been writing. I was struck down Wednesday with a stomach bug which somewhat dominated my time. It’s not an acceptable excuse, but nothing to do about that now. But I haven’t been idle. I have been thinking (I know, its hard work. Love it!) about my characters and the relationship between the character and writer. Boiling it right down to basics, then any character you write is ultimately a mirror to how the writer thinks his or her character should/would/can/ought to interact with the world.

It’s a problematic process and can stump even the best of content creators. You can be an excellent orator in other ways, but once you take up the viewpoint of a fictitious entity the flow of creativity can dry up in no time like the crust of cheap store bought pizza. How should you write new and exciting content, keep you characters real and engaging, while still conveying a complete narrative? Take the situations below?

  • How does Romeo react to facing down a fairly miffed fairy while climbing to meet his Juliet?
  • How will Waldo react when he is finally found by Homeland Security and accused of being subversive to American society?
  • What should Darth Vader say, when Luke offers him cookies to join the Light side?

So, here is how I see it: 

Dave (one on my characters) is a canvas for me to paint a production on, he is an empty vessel to be filled with meaning and agency, or he could be a subject to be explored. What Dave is not, however, is real. Down the line, after I’ve taken him to hell (or heaven) and back, added scars to his soul and patina to his personality, he will feel real. But he will never be real. He is an expression of some other bit of me (and the people I base him on, which would still my interpretation of them). And regardless of how much care I put will be putting into making him, he is still faking it. He is still just a projection after all. He does not represent me (since he could be a horrifying racist and misogynist, which I am not), but does emulate my thoughts.

To make it worse, a writer wants to be original. To create something fresh and new and vibrant with awesomeness. Pheeew! Its no wonder the pressure is on to perform, even if what you write is only ever read by your mother. And is there a nifty little piece of advice to fix this? A net little trick  that let you delve into the souls of your characters?

Put succinctly: No. 

Put less succinctly: Hell No.

The character is in your head. The only way to get to get it out  is to work with it. If this is writing up a character sheet and rolling for stats, then do that. If its writing a long back story with tons of little details that explain every little creepy character detail, then do that. If its going for  walk and think, then do that. But in the end, it comes back to the story.

And that needs to be written.

By you.

Further reading:

John Scalzi puts an interesting spin on it in his Star Trek parody Redshirts. Not only is it hilarious. Its also thought provoking and essentially revamped my approach to character development. Whether I’m justified in claiming that is up to you, but to me it worked.

Book Project Update #2

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Working Title: Dave’s Hammer.

Current Word Count: 5443 (less than expected) + 845 world notes + 3 character sheets

Goal for next Monday: Complete overview of plot treads and 2000 new words.

20131014_084418Writing sharpens the mind. It makes you curious, hungry for knowledge and ideas, for plot twists and tropes. It makes you consume content like a ravenous beast, not to steal or plagiarize, but to get inspired and engage with new ideas. So writing time gets expanded to include reading time, which becomes reading and watching time, which becomes reading, watching and note taking time, which become writing time once again. Its a peculiar cycling and recycling of content that gets digested by your brainz and then distilled by pen and keyboard to the page. And so the story grows, gains character and matures. Like wine. Or, in my case, maybe more like cheese.

I decided to work more on world building and structuring the story itself. It wonderful to have 10 different and exciting set pieces with action, drama and potential, but no actual link. So structure it is.  So I’ve create the storyboard wall here at home. Hopefully that will become a lot more populated with post it’s, lists and look like some horrifying combination of a mine-laded mind map, a post-it note graveyard and a wall. At least somewhere behind it all.

So, to sum up: Added 800+ words, giving shape to characters (and named them), created world documentation and create a post-it note graveyard on a living room wall. Cheer, and a new update in a weeks time.

Book Project Update #1

Book Project, News

Working Title: Dave’s Hammer.

Current Word Count: 4745 (woefully less than expected).

Goal for next Monday: 2000 new words.

Working on a book has taught me two things so far (not counting how fascinatingly creative I can be when it comes to procrastination):

  • One: Research is key to building a strong, well crafted narrative.
  • Two: Research is a pandora’s box that should be managed with utmost care.

This didn’t actually occur to me when I initially started writing, but should have been the first thing on my to-do list. Merry as f… I took flight and wrote my opening chapter, added a ton of headlines for individual chapter ideas and notes on everything from how the world works, political ideals, jokes (need more of those), oddball words like “Muffin” with no added context and phrases like “It should be like that thing with that guy” with no actual idea of how to use it. And then I took a well-deserved break.

And after that initial burst of creativity (and a day or two of reality snapping at it) I come back to it and realize that its filled with inconsistencies, phrases that retrospectively don’t make sense, characters that need fleshing out, etc. So that is what I been doing. I started looking into every aspect of my characters and the story, started reading up on runes, on naming conventions for the area (it will probably be set in Ireland), religious practices and certain historical events, that may be incorporated. And this took up almost all the time I set aside for writing.

The solution (and this is probably not the clever approach), is probably to continue writing and then revamp, revamp and revamp some more at a later stage as more research is done. I’m still in the first draft, so anything is game. Except the names of my characters. At least something is set in stone. For now.

So, to sum up: 

I have an additional 500 ish words, 3 character sheets about each of my main characters, a ton of open tabs in my browser waiting to be read and whole lot of writing to go. On a positive note though, I am having a ton of fun with this thing. Will update you more next week.

Book Project Announcement: “Dave’s Hammer”

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Yes, I realized today that I haven’t posted to this blog for a full six months and, to be fair, I have not been too busy. I could have posted maybe once a month and maybe those post would have contained some smidgen of genius (or rot considering the source), but no. Work, freelancing, running (a lot of running) and desperately pursuing other fascinating projects, left me with little energy to keep my creative writing up. Time, yes. Energy, no.

So what to do about it now?

daves_hammerLet’s use the blog for something else. Maybe I should blog about the world or post more shorts, but for now it will serve as my “I Am Writing” outlet. So here is the announcement, official and everything, of my new writing project. I call it “Dave’s Hammer”.

“Dave’s Hammer” is my first real attempt (because I made it official here) at writing a full length novel with the first draft finish some time before Christmas Eve. Its an ambitious deadline, but since its a first draft and I will be using the Nanowrimo month as motivation to work on it, I feel it an appropriate time frame.

A here comes the promise: 

To keep myself accountable and motivated, I will post here every Monday about my progress (or lack of it), what obstacles I’m facing, what challenges I feel overwhelmed by and maybe post a snippet or two of actual finished text here. I solemnly swear to work hard and kick ass, not loose my place too often and to not give up until the thing is done. Even it takes me well into next year.

Lets us begin then:

Working Title: Dave’s Hammer.

Current Word Count: 4013 (hopefully more by bedtime).

Goal for next Monday: 5000 new words.

Wish me luck, an infusion of pure creative genius, lots of coffee and an attitude of sheer bloody mindedness. Couldn’t hurt!

Formspring is Dead, Long Live Formspring

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[Update, April 23. 2013: This post was written before the news of Formspring, as the link shows, was given a second chance. So hopefully the service will keep going.]

Another one of the cool little places on the internet is dying (probably dead by the time you read this).  It’s not the end of the world, but I enjoyed going to Formspring.me from time to time to answer a few questions and browse through other people’s answers and comments. A kind of acceptable voyeurism.

cropped-formspring-logo

Especially Formspring’s “Question of the Day”, which could incredibly inane, provided a lot of amusement. And, as I learned from a former colleague, can provide some insight (and amusement) to people, whom are just getting to know you and are too scared of your bald head, broad shoulders and steely blue eyes to ask the first questions.

I joined as a user in August of 2011 after hearing about the service in a Bad Philosophy podcast and kept at least a little bit active until now. Below are all my posts reproduced for your benefit. It seems sad to me that this kind of creative outlet apparently can’t attract and maintain a sufficient user base and that all that data will be lost (they intend to delete it at this time) to us.

Oh well… The internet marches on relentlessly. Enjoy and please comment.

  • Reppin1000 on 28 Feb 2013
    If you had to change your hair color, what color would you choose?
    Ehmm…. I have no comment to that.
  • Reppin1000 responded to Formspring on 27 Feb 2013
    What cartoon character is most like you?
    Some odd combination of Darkwing Duck, Earthworm Jim and the Iron Giant.
  • Reppin1000 on 1 Jan 2013
    Would you rather be really hot or really cold?
    Hot, hotter, smoookin!
  • Reppin1000 on 1 Jan 2013
    Would you rather be rich or famous?
    Neither… I would choose influential over both…
  • Reppin1000 on 1 Jan 2013
    What is the first word that you said as a baby?
    “Excuse me Doctor, could you hand me that towel? Its been a long trip”….
  • Reppin1000 on 1 Jan 2013
    When it comes to money, are you a spender or a saver?
    Money is a tool like any other. One should put it to good use, whether that’s spending or saving.
  • Reppin1000 responded to Formspring on 3 Nov 2012
    What expression do you use a lot?
    “Excellent”…
  • Reppin1000 responded to Formspring on 1 Nov 2012
    Where are you?
    Don’t look behind you! I’m under your mouse pad…
  • Reppin1000 responded to Formspring on 21 Oct 2012
    On vacation: sight-seeing or relaxing?
    Adventuring….
  • Reppin1000 responded to Formspring on 22 Sep 2012
    What foreign language do you wish you spoke?
    Urdu, Afrikaans/Dutch, Spanish, Portuguese, Latin, Swahili and and and… Why just pick one?!
  • Reppin1000 responded to Formspring on 12 Sep 2012
    Do you get news by televison, newspaper or Internet?
    I get news from television, newspaper AND the Internet. Generally I don’t get news from “television” much.
  • Reppin1000 on 6 Sep 2012
    What’s your approach to making your bed?
    Non-existent.
  • Reppin1000 on 5 Sep 2012
    Do you believe in life after death?
    No. There is no evidence that life (as we know it) has any elements (read; soul or essence) that can survive the process.
    And I would never live as if there is. To think the best comes after this life, is to miss out on all the awesomeness that’s all around you.
  • Reppin1000 responded to Formspring on 1 Sep 2012
    How do you celebrate when you win?
    With lots of wine, good female company, tons of in your face comments, supremely annoying gloating and the usual graceless behavior.
  • Reppin1000 responded to Formspring on 25 Aug 2012
    Do you exercise?
     Of course. I try to keep healthy and maintain a body able to compete in various activities. Running, mountain biking, swimming, climbing, etc. Being active should be central to a good life. It keeps you happy, healthy and ensures you look good naked!
  • Reppin1000 responded to Formspring on 24 Aug 2012
    What are three AWESOME things about you?
    Me, myself and I.
  • Reppin1000 responded to Formspring on 24 Aug 2012
    What would you save first if there was fire in your room?
    My ass…. Then my awesome bag (which contains all my other cool and important stuff).
  • Reppin1000 responded to Formspring on 24 Aug 2012
    Do you have a loud or quiet sneeze?
     I have a language sneeze. I will sneeze intelligible words and phrases aimed at confusing and annoying my enemies.
  • Reppin1000 responded to Formspring on 12 Jun 2012
    If you owned a store, what would you sell?
    Magical curiosities harvested from worlds and realities beyond our own, with a side specialty in pocket watches and wrist cannons.
  • Reppin1000 responded to Formspring on 23 Apr 2012
    If you had a free day with no work and no school, how would you spend it?
    Locating more work or fun! Projects are kinda work any way. But work is fun! Or should be…
  • Reppin1000 responded to Formspring on 23 Apr 2012
    Do you spend too much time on the internet?
    Define being to the internet? I keep constant access to the major web services I use via my smart phone and usually plan and collaborate work/play/projects online, consume much online content, etc. So… all my time? Lets say 90 percent. Seems accurate enough.
  • Reppin1000 responded to Formspring on 5 Apr 2012
    What’s your favorite way to workout? In the gym, playing a team sport, taking a class or some other way?
    Anything outside. Pushing myself on a bike, running or similar. I do not need a gym as an excuse to work out. Would rather spend that money on a cool gadget or a healthy snack as a reward.
  • Reppin1000 responded to Formspring on 5 Apr 2012
    3D Movies – silly or awesome?
    Silly and stupid. Even with the technical advances since its last few inceptions, 3D has consistently failed to impress me. I do not understand why content providers feel that 3D immersion and cool effect can augment/replace the pleasure of a carefully crafted story, an engaging narrative or exciting plot twist.
  • Reppin1000 responded to Formspring on 29 Mar 2012
    Are you bossy?
    I am firm and consistent.
  • Reppin1000 responded to Formspring on 13 Mar 2012
    Do you think the glass is always half full or always half empty? Are you an optimist or a pessimist?
    Well… A proper whiskey or cognac should never take up more than a quarter of the glass, so the aroma can be properly enjoyed. But my initial gut reaction would be “who the fuck served me half a beer?!”On the whole optimist/pessimist thing… I would call myself a practical optimist. See and hope for the good, but dont expect it first off the bat…
  • Reppin1000 responded to Formspring on 13 Mar 2012
    How loud do you prefer your music?
    I’m sorry… I cant hear you over the tinny background noise inside my head.
  • Reppin1000 responded to Formspring on 10 Mar 2012
    Can you snap your fingers?
    Indeed. With both hands and my left foot (if you count toes).
  • Reppin1000 responded to Formspring on 28 Feb 2012
    If you had to pick, would you rather get into a fight with a zombie or a vampire? Why?
    On one level I could probably take out the Zombie pretty easily. Note I am thinking the classical slow moving Zombie, and not the Zoombies of more modern making (think Left for Dead/Left for Dead 2 versions). A slow moving target with extremely limited ability and intelligence, not a problem. 
    A vampire with super human abilities, few actual vulnerable areas and human level intelligence does not bode well for my odds of survival.However… Were I in very real danger of attack and infection by either, I would choose the Vampire. At least then I would have a chance to become a creature of the night and stalk a little human prey.
  • Reppin1000 responded to Formspring on 28 Feb 2012
    Have you ever stayed awake all night?
    It may have happened once or twice. Considering I have worked nights, had a social life and had limited levels of insomnia, then yes… Probably once or twice.
  • Reppin1000 on 21 Feb 2012
    How many rings before you answer the phone?
    0.000001. I’m psychic like that.
  • Reppin1000 on 21 Feb 2012
    Do you like sweet or savory things more?
    Savory. There are more interesting options and a more diverse register of flavors within that group. Plus… Sweet is overrated and ruins your teeth. True story, ask a dentist before he/she gets their fingers in your mouth.
  • Reppin1000 responded to Formspring on 18 Feb 2012
    What’s your favorite pair of shoes?
    My fav shoes at any one time are usually my running shoes, regardless of what type or brand they are. Though if I could choose I would go barefoot (or wear Vibram Five Fingers) all the time.
  • Reppin1000 responded to Formspring on 6 Feb 2012
    When was the last time you got in trouble? What did you do?
    Define trouble. I would argue that trouble is a kind of crisis between rules and expectations, and by that definition I am always in “trouble”. So I live the dream I suppose.
  • Reppin1000 on 6 Feb 2012
    If you could only eat one food for the rest of your life, what food would you choose?
    Good food!
  • Reppin1000 responded to Formspring on 6 Feb 2012
    What do you like to do when you are feeling sick?
    I stop being sick and be awesome instead. And when that doesn’t work, then I hide in my bed and refuse to come out for anything other than food, painkillers or sex.
  • Reppin1000 on 6 Feb 2012
    Who has made the biggest difference in your life so far?
    There is no single person that I would point to, that has made the “biggest” difference, since I have been lucky to meet tons of inspirational and talent people that have change me personally and professionally.
  • Reppin1000 on 6 Feb 2012
    Who inspires you the most?
    The people I work intimately on a daily basis in my volunteer work. AIESEC, the organization, continues to inspire me and the people around me to do more/better, and the more I am around them, the more I feel inspired.
  • Reppin1000 responded to Formspring on 4 Jan 2012
    Would you rather text or talk?
    Talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk!
  • Reppin1000 responded to Formspring on 11 Dec 2011
    Who’s your favorite superhero?
     The Shadow. Both the original radio based version and Baldwins version from the movie.
  • Reppin1000 on 11 Dec 2011
    Which is more awesome? Aalborg or Odense?
    Hmm… How am I suppose to choose between to inferior cities? They are both nice, but awesome? I think not.
  • Reppin1000 responded to Formspring on 11 Dec 2011
    How do you generally get around – walk, bike, drive, public transportation or some other way?
    Depends on the season, but I prefer walking and biking in general.
  • Reppin1000 responded to Formspring on 11 Dec 2011
    Pepsi or Coke?
    Pepsi Max ftw!
  • Reppin1000 responded to Formspring on 25 Nov 2011
    Would you rather be older or younger?
    I’m good with the age I am now. I don’t feel or young. From the perspective of health, then I would prefer younger. 🙂
  • Reppin1000 responded to Formspring on 22 Nov 2011
    What is your favorite type of sandwich?
    Ill argue that a bagel counts as a sandwich. Wholewheat bagel w. hummus, chicken and bacon, tomato, lettuce, onion,cucumber, olives, cheddar and a little bit of olive oil. Optional: Some kind of flavored vitamin water. Just to round it off.
  • Reppin1000 on 19 Nov 2011
    If you were offered the job of U.S. president would you take the job?
    No. I don’t care for politics and find the position laden with risk for too little reward.
  • Reppin1000 on 19 Nov 2011
    What would your dream job look like?
     Considering everything, then there is no dream job. There are wishful circumstances that one could desire though. Being able to develop personally and professionally being no. 1, freedom to take extended breaks for other projects (like Adventure Racing and similar) no. 2, a circle of colleagues from all around the world willing to share their experiences and knowledge as no. 3. Free lunch and stuff would be nice, but who gives a fuck about that.
  • Reppin1000 responded to Formspring on 11 Nov 2011
    What’s one thing you want to do before the end of 2011?
    Have my training and working schedules integrated effectively. Structure never hurt anyone (severely) and might actually give me the energy I want to work smarter.
  • Reppin1000 responded to Formspring on 6 Nov 2011
    Rock, paper or scissors?
    Spock!
  • Reppin1000 responded to Formspring on 5 Nov 2011
    Has anything ever been stolen from you?
    My bike, my wallet, my food, my dignity… Damn this harsh reality!
  • Reppin1000 responded to Formspring on 1 Nov 2011
    Are you a competitive person?
    Do I win if I say yes?
  • Reppin1000 responded to Formspring on 26 Oct 2011
    What’s your favorite day of the year?
    Every-day! Its an awesome day!
  • Reppin1000 on 11 Oct 2011
    Can you picture what your life will be like in 5 years?
    No. Only that it will be awesome.
  • Reppin1000 on 5 Oct 2011
    Would you rather go out for dinner or cook at home?
    Cooking at home is so much cooler… Especially when you’re as good as I am.
  • Reppin1000 on 27 Sep 2011
    If you could only listen to one song for the next month, which would it be?
    “The virtue of silence” as produced by the quiet day group, supported by the hush group and the mixed by nobody. The beat is so soft.
  • Reppin1000 on 27 Sep 2011
    What was your favorite year?
    Probably one to come.
  • Reppin1000 on 27 Sep 2011
    Do you consider yourself a good dancer?
    I would say a decent dancer. I think enthusiasm can make up for a lack of skill.
  • Reppin1000 on 21 Sep 2011
    Can money buy happiness?
    No, but it can make dreams come true, thereby making it more plausible.
  • Reppin1000 on 21 Sep 2011
    If you were given a brand new yacht, what would you name it?
    The Odyssey. Part a need to select epic names for epic vehicles (you were unspecific about the type and purpose of the craft) and part being a Star gate fanboy.
  • Reppin1000 on 15 Sep 2011
    What’s the kindest thing someone has ever done for you?
    Gave me a hug and a kind word when needed the most.
  • Reppin1000 on 14 Sep 2011
    How long does it take you to get ready in the morning?
    Between 10 mins and 6 hours. Depends a bit on the day…
  • Reppin1000 on 14 Sep 2011
    If you could look like anybody, who would it be?
    That guy in the mirror. He is extremely good looking!
  • Reppin1000 on 14 Sep 2011
    What’s your favorite genre of music?
    Currently a combination of Jazz and electronic lounge.
  • Reppin1000 on 14 Sep 2011
    Cats or Dogs?
    Dogs. Cats are scary.
  • Reppin1000 responded to Formspring on 13 Sep 2011
    What’s your favorite app on your mobile phone?
    My Nike+ Gps running app. Sorry Formspring.
  • Reppin1000 responded to Formspring on 12 Sep 2011
    What song makes you get up and dance?
    Daler Mehndi w. Tunak Tunak Tun
  • Reppin1000 on 4 Sep 2011
    When it comes to money, are you a spender or a saver?
    If you have it, share it!
  • Reppin1000 on 28 Aug 2011
    Do you believe in aliens or life on other planets?
    Considering the size of the universe, the number of potential planet capable of sustaining life, the age of the universe, the lack of anything special or anything supernatural about our planet, then yes. I very much believe in aliens.
  • Reppin1000 on 27 Aug 2011
    Do you like to play video games?
    Naturally
  • Reppin1000 on 26 Aug 2011
    What was the last book you read?
    Ghost Story by Jim Butcher
  • Reppin1000 on 26 Aug 2011
    What is your secret weapon?
    A cool combination of …, ………, …….. and ……. that will make me unstoppable.
  • Reppin1000 on 25 Aug 2011
    What was the best advice you’ve ever received?
    “Do it now”!
  • Reppin1000 on 25 Aug 2011
    Would you rather be a zombie or a mummy?
    Whats the difference… A mummy is just a zombie covered in bandages.
  • Reppin1000 on 25 Aug 2011
    What’s the longest you’ve ever gone without a bath or shower?
    A week at Roskilde Festival in 2001
  • Reppin1000 on 25 Aug 2011
    How would you describe your style?
    A mix of classical pieces, thrift store cool, military chic and me i.e. stylish, cool and durable.
  • Reppin1000 on 25 Aug 2011
    Where’d you find out about Formspring?
    Through the podcast Bad Philosophy
  • Reppin1000 on 25 Aug 2011
    If you had the opportunity to live one year of your life over again, which year would you choose?
    The period between summer 2007 and summer 2008.
  • Reppin1000 on 24 Aug 2011
    If you could go on vacation for the next month with an unlimited budget, where would you go?
    I would hire a personal jet and criss cross the world visiting Moscow, Tokyo, Melbourne, Cape Town and any other city I would have deemed relevant. Then I would go to Cape Canaveral, have the Space Shuttle put into Service just for me, be launched into low earth orbit and spend the final week there. Good company included.
  • Reppin1000 on 23 Aug 2011
    Who’s the most overrated athlete?
    Tiger Woods. Its golf ffs.
  • Reppin1000 on 23 Aug 2011
    Can I be anonymous?
    In an increasingly Big Brotherish world the concept of anonymity is under attack The technology is in place to track every message to its source and to continually track any one mobile user. So no, in this context anonymity is not possible. The culture of surveillance, or potential surveillance, is becoming accepted though our consumption of traceable goods and lessening of the culture of privacy. So no… You cant. 
    And I can see you from here Miss L.
  • Reppin1000 on 22 Aug 2011
    How do you like your eggs cooked for breakfast?
    As part of my bacon pancakes!
  • Reppin1000 on 22 Aug 2011
    If you could time travel, where would you go?
    I would go forwards in time, just enough to see the effects of global warming. And pick up a few stock tips and tech news. You know, for the greedy geek in me.
  • Reppin1000 on 18 Aug 2011
    If your house was on fire and you could only grab three things, what would they be?
    My pants, my phone and my mind, since I would be wondering when I had gotten a house.
  • Reppin1000 on 18 Aug 2011
    Do you have a nickname?
    Yes
  • Reppin1000 on 18 Aug 2011
    if you had to go to the amazon jungle and could only bring five things from home, what would it be?
    Absinthe, machete, Iphone (w. solar charger and no that is not cheating), all my underwear and my boots.
  • Reppin1000 on 17 Aug 2011
    If you were stranded on a desert island, which one person would you bring with you?
    The one person who could get me home.
  • Reppin1000 on 17 Aug 2011
    If you could instantly become an expert at one style of dance, what style would you pick?
    Tango
  • Reppin1000 on 17 Aug 2011
    If you could bring anything home from a hotel room, what would you take?
     Room service!

How Should a Real Man Die?

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For the fourth time this week, I have been called a real man. Apparently the reddish beard, broad shoulders, mean (but charming) demeanor and natural leadership style is very appealing to the four people complimenting me. But really? Is looks all there is to being called a “real man”? And let me be clear, I’m not complaining, I don’t feel insulted or proud about it, nor do I feel especially arrogant. Mostly I just feel confused. I work in an office, wear business casual and generally hang out at my desk doing desky stuff. Its not like I’m fighting my way through a horde of Orc’s to get coffee or traverse dangerous waters filled with sharks to ensure my project gets moved forward or even dress in a way that is especially adventurous (think zombie fighting space marine chic). By default its a shallow assessment on the observers part. A bit of limited conversation and then being observed throughout the day. Seems insufficient for such a grand statement.

I would expect the person to take my lifestyle into consideration. What do I do to have fun? What are my interests? Where have I been and will I go to? What about my beliefs, ethics and morals? How about how I treat women and children? How I cope to everyday office stress and boredom? What about my political standing and how I defend it? What stories do I tell at the Christmas dinner? How do I support or not-support friends and loved ones, etc, etc.

In all fairness, the time spent interacting in a professional environment only provides a limited potential to delve deeper into these kind of considerations, but it still begs the question? Why is “a real man”, “manliness” or “masculinity” really something to work towards? Is there a set parameter to measure up to? To me its a gender specific description, that is supposedly opposite that of being “feminine”. So what is it to be feminine? What is a real woman? What does that phrase even imply?

In all fairness, we do need and should use the terms, but they are shallow and unimportant, and to describe anyone as being either a “real man” or a “real woman” is folly. I would rather be described with terms that add value and points to a specific sphere of life or subject. Something useful and descriptive, rather than empty and general. What being a man is, is arbitrary and subjective. Your opinion and definition is a good as mine.

But since the title said something about how a real man dies, then let me rack my brain for a sec… Yes… Here we go:

The top 5 most (improbable) manly ways to die 
(if you’re a woman and do it, you get to add sexy to the list)
  1. Loosing a showdown with a ninja whale on a sinking oil platform, while wielding a bear trap, covered in black motorcycle armor and singing “Born to be Wild”!
  2. Dying from a paper cut (that doesn’t sound extreme, but the paper in question was the sharpest response ever written on paper to the question “do you feel lucky, punk?”, and the paper cut went across and through his neck) illicited from a disgruntled extremist feminist.
  3. Falling as part of the human legions fighting The Dark Lord, the abomination known as Sauron, at the end of the Second Age, when hit directly by the Dark Lord himself. And nicking his armor with your bones.
  4. Laying down your life for your fellow soldiers in any war or conflict that mankind has had to suffer through.
  5. Single-handedly saves the Titanic by placing his body between the Iceberg and the ship, instead of senselessly drowning/freezing to death in the tepid waters of the Atlantic to save one inept girl.
But what do you think? Is there such thing as a “real man” or “real woman”? If there is, then what is their opposite? Or is it just bollocks? Let me know.

Boarding

Short Stories, , , , ,

The view was Epic. Not Homer style epic, but an appreciation of the natural awe, that could be adequately described as being Epic. With the capital E. Before him the grandiose view of the mountain spread out beneath his board. The perfect terrain for going off piste. With all the jumps, drops, etc for him to play in.

“Screw the snow resorts; this is the only way to board!”

Not that anyone could hear him, but his ego appreciated the sentiment and instantly rewarded him with a tiny release of endorphins. Off in the distance the helicopter rounded a peak and slipped out of sight, heading towards the helipad at the local airport. All around him the majesty of the snow covered mountains stood, like the greatest playground in the world. His playground to enjoy and only his.

“Ready to play world?”

Taking a quick sip from his Camelbak he checked his bindings, swallowed half, gurgled the rest and spat the excess onto the snow, which promptly rippled underneath his board.

“Whoa…. What the f…?!”

And yes, the story teller just censured the story. Shut up and keep reading.

The ripple seemed to push up the board and a huge shape tore down the mountain side in a blur of cascading snow. He could have sworn there was a shape underneath the snow.

He stared. This was somewhat new, even to a seasoned boarder like himself. Suddenly this place wasn’t so epic anymore. Fighting his rising panic, he swallowed hard and pulled his radio from his pack. And immediately put it back in its pouch as one bulge, then two, pushed around a cliff and up towards his peak.

What the hell was that? Snow can be unpredictable, no doubt, but stuff moving under it was definitely outside the box. They stopped and the snow appeared to settle around them.

Was he hallucinating? He took his glove off and felt his neck. Normalish pulse, strong and regular. Then his forehead. Cool to the touch and not clammy. Was he hungry then? Looking at the bulges again he felt his doubts creep in. Did they move as in really move? He looked down. The snow under his board looked fine if a little messy. Much like you would expect from a boarder just sitting around on a bit of snow and not boarding down the mountain. He shook his head, grabbed a chocolate bar from his pocket and devoured it. Low blood sugar probably, had to be.

A few minutes went by. Nothing happened.

A few more strolled past and even less happened.

Another one chose to rear its boring head aaaaand… nothing… zip… zero… nada… happened.

He stood up, vowed to never drink before a ride, and eyed the area where he thought the bulges had been. No… It had to be a trick, a trick on his perception, an invention of his mind. The snow just slipped under his board and moved a little strangely. No biggie. No problem.

He stood up and angled his board down slope, being careful not to go too near the bulges. Just in case the snow was covering some hole or something. Completely rational and safety oriented, and not motivated by fear at all. He made certain that was true by still going in the same general direction. And off he went downhill, picking up speed as he went and aiming just far enough away from the bulge to not bruise his ego too much. This turned out to be the move that didn’t ruin his day just then.

As he passed the first bulge a massive shape roared out the snow, all white and silver flesh, snapping a set of massive multifaceted (and very shiny) teeth at him, just narrowly missing his face. He blinked, his brain recording the instant in full colour, smell and sound. The disbelief smacked against his rational mind and it went to huddle in a corner making gibbering noises, while he closed on the second bulge.

The part of his brain that cared more about survival, and not reality as such, took over and forced a hard turn away from the shape that burst from the second bulge. He ducked as a fin, the size of a car door, carved the air where his head had just been. Giving reality the finger he pressed for more speed and barrelled down the mountain. Behind him the two things plunged back into the snow in pursuit.

Inside his skull his mind briefly put the outside world on hold and started a detailed and painstaking accurate analysis of what had just happened. This is totally cool and smart people refer to this as your life “flashing” before your eyes. This is not true. It’s just the brain trying to, in an extremely short period of time, analyse the what, where and how and come up with a survivable solution to a problem.

“Ok…” the brain said, or it would have if it had had lips, “so I’m boarding down a mountain being chased by a…. what?” It pulled up the image of the thing that had leaped from the snow. The mind stood there for what seemed like a few seconds and then stated, with painful calm and clarity, “I am being attacked by snow sharks”. This didn’t really phase it much. After all… This was the brain talking with itself, so being attacked by snow sharks wasn’t that big of a stretch.

In a spray of powder he rounded one corner, noted to himself that he wasn’t screwed and that he could still get away, rounded another with little new and a third. This was the one that ruined his day.

As he barrelled past, he saw a huge figure sitting on the rock with a massive fishing pole. His brain supplied promptly (as it was moving in high gear) “Yes… It’s a Yeti. Accept it and pay attention to the trees ahead!” but his attention fought off that very wholesome and potentially lifesaving advice and made him look back anyway. Indeed there was a Yeti sitting there. As he watched, it hooked one of the snow sharks on its pole, but alas to no help.

With body busting speed he smashed into a massive tree. As he slumped into the snow the last snow shark caught up with him.

Learning points: Think fast, look alive and don’t go snowboarding in the Yeti fishing grounds.

Authors note: This story was largely inspired by Tremors, the horrible movie with Kevin Bacon, and written in a hour while bored at a local cafe (Nosh) here in Cork. But, as a rule, I do think we have a lot to discover on our wonderful planet (not necessarily Snow Sharks and Yetis), but tons of other stuff just waiting beyond the next corner. But what do you think? Have we made our world too familiar and easily accessible via technology and popular culture, or is the world filled with wonders and adventures just waiting happen? You tell me.

The Animator

Short Stories, , , , , ,

It was over. Finally over. We are still alive.

Jean had fretted for days about his work. Had it been good enough? Persuasive enough? It must have been. It meant it had to convince them that risking their lives was worth it. That it could be done. That it was necessary for their collective survival. So what if he had taken a few “creative” liberties. How would they know? Could they even know? What if they knew?

According to the news the mission commander… No wait. Team leader? Drill boss? The Big Chief? Didn’t matter. What ever the hick was titled he hadn’t made it back. The news kept repeating the last radio transmission from the bomb crew. Apparently to his daughter. But wouldn’t they do something like that anyway? Just for the drama of it all and to keep the public in the dark about what had really happened. A fail-safe in case the crew succeeded, but was unable to return. You know; pre record something self-sacrificing and heroic and then just detonate the bomb by remote if the crew was disabled.

The Drill boss (I’ll just call him that) is dead now. His daughter had lost her father plus a handful of close friends, the initial news descriptions of the team had been very specific about that, because Jean had done a good job convincing them. Was it his responsibility then? Had he convinced them to go out there and die?

He got up from his chair, a big old comfy looking monstrosity and looked at his wife sleeping in the love seat opposite him. She was finally getting some rest. When the world is ending, then… No, when the world was supposedly ending and then humanity was given a chance. That’ll take it out of you. 

He gave her a longing look and the started tiptoeing across the floor to his office. He booted up his laptop and got out the whiskey. Nothing like a buzz to dull the moral upheaval in his chest. The golden liquid burned his throat, making him grimace and he coughed slightly. 

The touch pad reacted to his shaky hand and he selected; Start-> short-cut to folder->work->animation->government. 

A popup box prompted for a password. He typed with ease: q-w-e-r-t-y-s-u-c-k-s and tapped the enter key. He grinned even though it wasn’t really funny. Not right now anyway. He selected the file “gvm_traject_alt_asteroid_4(approved)” and after few painful seconds the animation played on his screen. 

The asteroid in the video was hulking mass of rock. Like a continent in space, massive and foreboding and heading straight for the animated Earth at a velocity that could only be described as terminal. 

He shook his head, closed down the video and went back to the folder and selected the previous file. The file “gvm_traject_alt_asteroid_3(rejected)” played. The difference was immediately clear. The object in the picture was much smaller. Almost comical compared to the previous video. And still, he knew, this wasn’t the truth either.

He closed that one as well and opened the last two named “gvm_traject_alt_asteroid_2(rejected)” and “gvm_traject_miss_asteroid_1(rejected)” and placed them side by side on the screen. He swallowed another substantial gulp of whiskey and clicked play on both of them. 

The videos ran and again the size of the asteroids shrunk. They hung there, in space, like the anorexic dwarf cousins of the first one. On one video the trajectory was the same, heading straight for Earth and devastation.

On the other one….. It missed. 

And not just scraping by with the potential for hitting the planet. The trajectory was completely clear from Earth’s orbit. Close, but definitely no cigar.

He swallowed the rest of the whiskey, refilled the glass and emptied it again.

He was sure now. This was wrong and he was guilty of something. Maybe not murder since technically he hadn’t sent the men to their deaths, but he was responsible somehow. A determined expression formed on his face.

He highlighted the files, right-clicked and selected “Add to Desktop.rar”. The progress bar appeared and the computer compressed the files. He opened up a browser window and started searching for journalists to email the files to. As an afterthought he looked up Wiki-leaks as well. At least the truth would come out and his conscience would be clear.

Behind him glass tinkled and something slapped him in the back of the head. He seemed to blink with surprise and then sunk limply from his chair. A few mins later his laptop started to make a rough whirring sound. After a while, the smell of melted plastic and burnt wires filled the air. The computer died in a tiny cloud of smoke and sparks.

30 mins later a phone rings in a dimly lit NASA office. A man picks it up, listens to the operative on the other side and smiles briefly to himself. He mumbles something about “No loose ends….” and hangs up.

Authors note: Hello reader(s). I hope you enjoyed the story. I do enjoy the occasional Hollywood blockbuster, and Im sure you can figure out which one this story refers to, but I’m always annoyed by the little things lacking from the main story. Like who cleans the toilets at the secret base, who designs the outfits/gear the heroes/villains wear or who created the animations that the villain/hero uses to explain stuff. How do they fit into the context of the movie and what are their motivations, thoughts and feelings?